


Drowning

by stellarmeadow



Series: Season 4 Codas/Missing Scenes [13]
Category: Hawaii Five-0 (2010)
Genre: Angst, Coda, M/M, episode 413, episode elated
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-18
Updated: 2014-01-19
Packaged: 2018-01-09 03:42:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,598
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1141013
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stellarmeadow/pseuds/stellarmeadow
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The locks on Steve's compartments are straining.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I tried to finish this tonight, but no luck. So the second and third chapters will be up this weekend. Steve went for some unexpected introspection that slowed me down. That's not necessarily a bad thing.
> 
> Spoilers for 413. Consider yourself warned. Hope you enjoy!

Steve drove silently towards his house, gripping the wheel tightly to keep from switching the radio to another station. Or off. Anything to avoid the hair band attack Danny had been throwing at him since--

But he wasn't thinking about that.

He'd stopped thinking about anything personal since the moment he'd left Danny's house. His life was all shoved back into his broken boxes, where it leaked out a little when he had a particularly nasty perp, or running, or swimming--the places he could push it out as energy and hope it stayed away.

It was toughest in the car, with Danny close enough that Steve could smell him, could feel the heat off his body, where he could hear the way Danny breathed. He wondered if it was weird that he knew just from Danny's breath patterns what his real mood was.

Which was part of the problem. Because whatever Danny said, however normal he tried to act, Steve could tell this was still getting to him by his fucking breathing. 

He'd tried to hold back this thing with Danny because he didn't want to hurt someone he cared about, and now he was hurting someone he cared about even more. And he didn't know how to fix it. 

He couldn't just kick Catherine out. Not that he'd made her any promises about a future together, but he had to be more careful than that, especially with all she'd been through. 

And in the meantime, Danny was equal parts pissed off and miserable.

At least he'd started picking Steve up again. After the third day in a row where Steve had driven in to work, Catherine had jokingly asked them in HQ, in front of Chin and Kono, if they'd had a lover's tiff because they weren't driving in to work together. 

Danny had picked Steve up the next day, like nothing had changed.

But it had. The silences in the car were deafening. They talked about cases, but Danny's random rants, which Steve had grown to look forward to--not that he would ever tell Danny that--were gone. Or they had been--he'd ranted about someone who walked out in front of their car, and Steve had wanted to hug him for it, like he'd done it as a gift just for Steve.

Steve pulled into the drive at his house, leaving the car running. "I'll see you in the morning?" he said.

"Uh, yeah, about that. I got a thing," Danny said, and even without the twitch and the awkward temple scratch, Steve could tell from the way Danny's breathing had changed that he was lying. "Grace needs a new uniform for this cheering competition--I swear she grows a foot a day or something--so I need to take her shopping to get that and a few other things for the trip, so I'm going to just start my vacation a day early. Okay?"

 _No_ , Steve wanted to say. Because he hadn't prepared himself for Danny's absence just yet. He needed one more day of his presence to wean himself off slowly. But he couldn't say that.

"Sure. Tell Grace I said hi."

"I will. Thanks."

Danny looked at Steve expectantly, and after a moment, he realized he was supposed to get out of the car and go into the house. Where Catherine was waiting.

Right.

"Okay, so, um...have fun," Steve said. "See you when you get back."

"Yeah. See you then."

Steve got out of the car and walked away. When he got to the door, he turned and watched until Danny was out of sight. 

***

Catherine was on the couch when Steve walked in, but she jumped up with a ready smile. "Hey," she said, meeting him by the door. "Danny not coming in?"

"No, he had to get home. He has a thing tomorrow."

She frowned at him. "Everything okay?"

"Yeah," he said quickly. "Why?"

"Well, I know I joked about you and Danny having a lover's tiff the other day, but all joking aside, the two of you seem a little odd."

Steve shrugged, turning to go to the kitchen. "Nothing's wrong," he said over his shoulder, seeing that she was following him. He reached into the fridge and pulled out a beer, holding it out. "Want one?"

She took it, still giving him a thoughtful look as she opened the bottle and took a sip. He opened one for himself and headed out to the lanai.

He didn't go to the chairs, though. He stood on the lanai and watched the sun sinking into the sea. Catherine stood beside him, but he didn't really pay much attention until she said his name. "Hm?" he asked, turning to look at her.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing. Just a long week." 

She studied him for a long time, and he blanked his expression, waiting for her to decide it wasn't anything major worth pursuing. After a minute, she nodded, though he wasn't sure she didn't still have doubts. Because, as Danny had reminded him, she wasn't stupid. "Well, the next week may be longer," she said.

"Why?"

"Because I've been asked to pull extra duty. My old CO found out I joined the Reserves and needed some help, so he called me." 

It was the happiest she'd looked since before she left the Navy. He wondered if she realized it. If she was doing extra Reserve duty because she knew the Navy was what was missing in her life, or if she was just gravitating towards it because it felt good.

He understood. He missed it sometimes, too. But the thought of going back full time now no longer filled him with excitement or possibilities. The work he did here was enough. What he had here was better than the Navy. He'd found a purpose, then a family and a home, when he'd taken on Five-0. And he'd told Catherine he'd help her transition the way he did.

But maybe it wasn't what she wanted. Or maybe not what she needed.

He didn't ask. He only said, "Where are you going?" 

"I can't exactly say. But I won't be gone that long."

Steve nodded and took another drink. "You seem happy to be going back." 

"I am," she said, with that smile that had attracted him to her in the first place. And she hadn't changed. She was still Cath. Still reliable and amazing and wonderful. Still beautiful and patient and giving. She was perfect. Except for one thing.

She wasn't Danny.

"I'm glad."

And he was. He was genuinely happy for her. He'd put his life on hold, in some ways, to help her find her way back to a steady place. 

If that was the Navy, he'd deliver her re-enlistment papers himself. 

"I have to leave in the morning," she said, before she finished off her beer. "Wanna come say a proper goodbye?"

He thought about Danny saying goodbye in the car, how he'd be gone a week. And now Catherine would as well, leaving him alone in an empty house with his thoughts. 

Then he stopped thinking entirely and let Catherine lead him in the house and up the stairs.

***

_  
Danny was amazing. Steve had never felt anything like this before, the way his cock slid into Danny's body, just skin, nothing between them to deaden any of the feeling. It was like flying. No, better than flying, better than the adrenaline of a night jump, it was air. Pure air._

_He needed this, needed to be able to sink himself into Danny, to lose himself completely and come out on the other side more whole than he had before. He needed Danny, and Danny knew it, and he was looking down at Steve like he was the most amazing thing that existed, and it was almost too much, and Steve pushed up hard, almost there--  
_

He woke with a start, confused about the sound of the ocean outside and the soft, female body lying beside him. Right. He was at home. In bed. With Catherine. Which was absolutely normal. So why was it so wrong in his head? Why did it feel like he shouldn't be there, that it was forbidden? Like...like he was cheating on Danny.

Steve sighed, turning onto his side away from Catherine to stare at the wall. She moved when he did, putting his arm around him, her hair tickling his shoulder as it settled there. It was so familiar. And so wrong. 

But she was on the path to the Navy. If she could just get there, he could end this and be with Danny. 

And then what? 

Danny loved him, he knew that just as he knew he loved Danny. It never even had to be said, it was just a fact. 

But Danny had loved Rachel. And Gabby. And been distracted by almost every hot girl to walk by in a bikini. And yet none of his relationships had worked. He and Rachel were barely civil. He'd let Gabby go without a fight. 

Loving Danny felt like flying. The thought of losing him felt like falling out of a plane with no chute. 

His throat and lungs felt tight, and he sucked in a breath, but it didn't help. Out of nowhere he remembered answering the door when the cop had come to tell them his mother had died. He remembered the phone call with his father, that last minute when he'd known there was nothing he could do, the sound of the bullet over the phone, so far away, and yet feeling like it had gone straight through his own heart.

He sat up, dislodging Catherine from him as he swung his feet over the side of the bed, elbows on his knees, his head in his hands, trying to breathe.

Catherine put a gentle hand on his back. "You okay?" 

"Yeah, I'm fine," Steve lied, scrubbing a hand over his face. "I'm gonna go for a swim. I'll be back in for breakfast before you leave."

"Okay."

He hurried out of the room, grabbing his trunks and shoving them on as he walked, not stopping until he dove into the ocean. 

***


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So apparently it's three chapters, not two. Hopefully chapter three will be up tomorrow...

He saw Catherine off with a smile and a kiss. If she was still concerned, she didn't show it. Maybe her excitement at going back into uniform had pushed the worries out of her mind. 

When she got into her car, he closed the door and went back to the kitchen to deal with breakfast dishes. That done, he looked around the house, but there were no other chores. And he'd already gone for a swim. 

So he'd go for a run. 

He changed clothes, taking a long run down the beach, focusing on the exercise to try to blank his mind. Left, right, left, right, one foot after the other, pounding down the sand with the ocean a familiar accompaniment. 

It was no use. He couldn't block Danny out, no matter how hard he tried. Steve's head was full of him. Not just sex--though that played through his mind a lot, given how new it had been before Danny had ended it. But his rants, his smile, the way he was an amazing friend and an even more amazing father.

It was like one of those insane video collages, busy, fast and disorienting, and he stumbled a little in his run, looking up to realize he'd gone about half a mile past his house. 

Fuck it. Might as well get in another mile or so. 

***

By the time he got home, he was soaked in sweat, his muscles pleasantly informing him that he could die any second, letting him know he was pushing himself just enough. He allowed himself more than three minutes in the shower, letting the hot water soak out some of the ache, but when he hit five minutes, he couldn't stop the memory of that last time with Danny in the shower, so he shut off the water and got out.

He checked his watch, relieved to see that it was late enough that no one would think it odd if he went to work now. After the third day in a row that he'd gone in at 5, Chin had started giving him odd looks. 

He was still the first one in, so he made coffee, the machine loud in the silence. There was no one there to fill the quiet, no one to make the room seem brighter and warmer. There was nothing but cold quiet, and hissing water.

This, he realized, was what it would be like to lose Danny.

Except no. He hadn't lost Danny. Danny was with Grace, and in a week, he'd be back. He wasn't dead and gone. Steve kept reminding himself of that fact as he went back to his office and flipped through the mail on his desk.

Chin and Kono waved when they walked by on their way in. A few minutes later, Chin was in his office. "We've got a dead body," he said, shoving his phone in his pocket. "Sand Island. Max and CSU are already en route."

As bad as Steve felt for the victim, he was relieved to have something to focus on. He rounded his desk, following Chin out the door.

***

"Ever seen anything like this?" Chin asked.

Steve stared at the man, hanging up, shirt open, burn marks all over his chest. "Never," he said, then swallowed carefully. No, he'd never seen anything like it.

He'd lived it.

He locked the whole thing up in its box and hoped to hell it stayed there. Because he couldn't be of any help to this poor guy if he didn't. And he'd been helped when it was him. Saved. 

The least he could do for this guy was find the bastard who did this and make him pay.

***

Finding out the bastard who killed Amos Koi was Chin's brother-in-law was an unexpected complication. He hated having to ask Chin if he could be objective, if there was anything he needed to confess, but he also knew he might have to defend Chin later. And asking up front was the best he could do to protect him later.

At least Danny wasn't there to yell at him for it. Not that he hadn't been hearing Danny's voice in his head the entire day. _Seriously, Steve? You thought he was just going to hide the fact that his brother-in-law was a drug kingpin all this time?" ___

__God he missed Danny._ _

__He shook off the feeling as he pulled up to the farmhouse where they suspected Koi's family was being held. He needed to focus to save Koi's family._ _

__Finding Koi's son largely unharmed was a relief, but that his mother was still out there with Gabriel didn't leave him much time to feel it. They left the son in HPD's care and hurried off to the bank._ _

__Gabriel being parked right in front, in plain view, and in the car was another surprise they didn't need. He watched Chin flying after Gabriel, and followed him at full speed, Delano still fresh in his mind. He'd defend Chin to his last breath on that shooting, but he'd seen Chin's eyes, and the speculative look on Danny's face at it, and knew there was more to the story._ _

__He didn't want confirmation, but he also didn't want questions if Gabriel ended up dead at Chin's hand as well. What the actual story was didn't matter to him, all that mattered was that he was there to back up that it was justifiable._ _

__Steve caught up with them just in time to hear Gabriel offer Chin a bribe. Twenty-five million would be tempting to almost anyone. Then again, so would killing the man who killed your father._ _

__Steve should know._ _

__He held his breath until Chin said, "You have the right to remain silent."_ _

__***_ _


	3. Chapter 3

They were nearly done at the scene when Steve got a text from Grace with a picture. He looked at the picture, Grace's smiling face and a t-shirt that said "Cheer Dad." Her text said: _Think Danno would wear this if I got it for him?_

_I think Danno would wear anything you got him. But ask him?_

_He's not here. But mom thinks he would wear it._

Oh he was sure Rachel knew he would. He'd go to any lengths for Grace, as she was painfully aware. 

Wait. Rachel was there? _I thought Danno was taking you shopping_ Steve texted back.

_Nope. He's picking me up tonight._

Then what the hell was Danny doing that he didn't want Steve to know? Or had there just been a change of plans? Was there something wrong with Danny? He pulled up Danny's number and hit the text button. _How's shopping?_

The answer came quickly. _Wonderful. I love sitting here while Grace tries on half the shop._

What. The. Hell?

Steve looked over his shoulder, where Kono was talking to a couple of HPD officers. "Hey, Kono, you got things here? I need to go do something."

Kono nodded. "We'll let you know when things are wrapped up."

"Thanks." 

Steve jumped into his truck and sped off to Danny's.

***

Steve drove by Danny's, seeing the Camaro in its spot, before he circled back around and parked on the street. He hesitated at the door, thinking about knocking, but what the hell, why should he start now? 

He pushed the door open and stepped carefully into the living room. He'd just closed the door behind him when Danny came out of the bedroom. He stopped as he saw Steve standing in his living room. "What the fuck?" Danny said, hands on his hips like Steve was the one who had some explaining to do.

"I was about to ask you the same thing," Steve said, folding his arms across his chest. "This doesn't look like a store, Danny."

"So, what, you're checking up on me, now? What did you do, check my GPS in my car? Track my phone?"

"No, actually, your daughter texted me and mentioned you weren't with her." 

Danny blinked. "Oh."

"And then I texted you and gave you a chance to tell the truth, but you lied to me. Again." Steve took a few steps closer. "Why?"

Danny looked toward the bedroom, then back at Steve again. "What difference does it make?"

Steve glanced over Danny's shoulder at the bedroom, putting pieces together. "Did you take the day off to be with Amber?" he asked, and he knew there was too much anger in his tone, anger he had no right to, but he couldn't stop it. "Is that it? Is she recovering at your house? Is that why you lied?"

Danny's slightly guilty look disappeared, and Steve took a step back at the anger on Danny's face. "Okay, a, that is not what's going on here. B, if that was what was going on here, I wouldn't have needed to lie about it, and c," he said, gaining steam and volume, "if that was what was going on, you sure as hell wouldn't have a single right to give a shit about it!"

"Really? I'm not supposed to care if you've just thrown me over for a teenager?"

"Oh for fuck's sake, McGarrett, really? She is _not_ a teenager! Also, throwing you over would imply I ever had you in the first place! I tell you what, why don't we ask Catherine about that, huh? Why don't we just lay it all out for her, how we've been sneaking around and having sex while you've been living with her--"

"Okay," Steve said, but Danny went on like he didn't hear.

"--and then we'll see what she thinks."

"Okay."

"See if she thinks that I actually had you. Or if maybe, just maybe, you've had your head so far up your fucking ass that--"

"Okay! I said okay! I'm sorry!"

Danny stopped, his hands frozen midair for a second before dropping to his sides. "Exactly which part of it are you sorry for?"

"All of it. I'm sorry I accused you and I'm sorry that I'm jealous. I know I don't have the right, but I can't...I can't turn it off. I'm sorry."

Danny's laugh was miles from comforting. "Great, so you don't want me, but you don't want anyone to have me."

"I don't want you? You're all I want. You're all I think about. How the hell can you say that?"

"Oh, I don't know, because you seem perfectly content to just stop having me and go back to your girlfriend?" 

"She is not my girlfriend!"

"Fine your... _thing_ or whatever you call her."

Steve took a deep breath. "I just don't get why you lied. I mean, you're going to be gone for 6 days. Why did you have to lie to take today?"

"Really? That's what this is about?"

Steve nodded. When Danny realized he was serious, he shook his head. "You know," Danny said, "I get that this is a lot easier for you. You have all those little compartments you shove everything unpleasant into, and it's like it doesn't exist. And I get that's how you can do what you do, and as an American citizen, I am grateful for it."

Danny sucked in a quick breath. "But as your...other _thing_ , I'm not so grateful. Because you may be able to stuff all this away like it doesn't exist, but I can't, okay? I can't just pretend like sitting in a car next to you all day is easy. I can't pretend like I don't want to make you pull over and rip your clothes off, or like it's not driving me absolutely crazy to smell you in my car even when you're not there. And dropping you off and watching you go in there to Catherine?" 

He threw his hands up in the air, like even his unlimited resources of words had run dry. "I can only do it so much before I need a break. So I took a break so that I could be sane tomorrow when I get on a plane with my little girl, where I have to go watch Rachel and Stan be the happy couple while I get to remind myself once again that I am the world's foremost masochist when it comes to falling for people. So that," Danny said, looking more deflated with each word, "is why I lied to you. Okay?"

Steve couldn't say anything for a moment. Didn't know what to say. He was so far out of his element with any of this that he wasn't sure he'd ever know what to say. "I'm sorry," he tried after a moment. He knew it was totally inadequate, but it was all he had. "I...it never occurred to me. I'm...I'm not like other people, Danny."

"Tell me something I don't know," Danny muttered.

"I don't know how to have a...thing. Or something more than a thing, I guess."

"Normal humans call them relationships, Steven."

The word sounded scary and huge, but Steve forced himself to say, "Fine, relationships. I don't know how to have them. I've never had one that didn't involve someone leaving or kicking me out. I don't...I mean, I wouldn't even know how to leave one." 

And God, didn't that sound pathetic? He tried to backtrack, make it a question, not the confession it had been. "I mean, how...how did yours end with Rachel? How do you do something like that."

Something shifted in Danny's face. Steve couldn't read it, but it made him feel like he could take a few steps closer. "You talk to the other person," Danny said. His voice was a little warmer, and Steve took a few steps closer, like being drawn to a fire. "You don't have to say there's someone else," he said quickly. "But you have to say it's not working."

"And that's it?"

"No, that's not it. That's the short and easy version. The reality isn't that easy." The corner of Danny's mouth quirked up, the closest thing Steve had seen to a genuine smile on Danny's face in days. "But you're a SEAL. I'm sure it's easier than scaling a thousand foot wall or something."

Scaling a thousand foot wall would be a lot easier than talking about a relationship. But he didn't know what else to do. And Danny was right. He was a SEAL. If he didn't have the skills to deal with something, he learned them. It was that simple.

If only he could learn the skills to deal with his own brain. 

After a moment, Steve said, haltingly, "That last night. Us. I dream about it. Every night. Why? What does it mean?" 

"I can't tell you that."

"Can't, or won't?"

Danny shook his head. "Same difference in this case."

"Why?"

Danny sighed. "You asked me how my relationship with Rachel ended," he said after a moment. "I don't know. Because I couldn't see it until it was over. Everyone tried to warn me--my coworkers, my friends, my family--but I had no idea what they were talking about, until one day I looked up and saw it. But by the time I saw it, it was long past too late." 

"There was nothing you could do?"

"Nope. Every relationship has a window. And I'd missed that one." 

Danny's look was telling, like he was trying to get Steve to understand something. Steve played the words back, not liking the interpretation forming in his mind. But he found he couldn't even bring himself to ask if he was right. 

"Catherine's going for another Reserve assignment," he said instead. "I think she's missing the Navy and may even be thinking about reupping." 

"That's great," Danny said, but he didn't sound nearly as happy about it as Steve had hoped he might. "Anything else you want to tell me about Catherine?" 

_I'm going to tell her,_ he wanted to say. But he'd said it before. And he didn't think saying it again would help. "Everything I've said about her still stands," he said instead. Because it did. He would find a way to keep his promise to Danny. And soon. 

"I know you believe that," Danny said, his shoulders sloping a little more.

Steve wanted to pulling him close, to kiss him, to make him believe that this was all going to work out right. It was. He just had to figure out how to make it right with Catherine, and then he and Danny would be together. "When she's back from this," Steve said, "she'll know whether it's what she really wants. And I can figure out how to guide her to the right path then. One without me."

Danny gave him a long look. "Sure," he said. 

It was clear he wasn't sure at all. But Steve didn't know how else to make him believe. "I should go." 

He stepped forward automatically, kissing Danny goodbye here one of the habits he'd fallen into too easily to break. Danny stepped back, and Steve stopped, remembering where they were now. Who they were now. 

"I'll, uh, I'll see you in a week," Danny said.

"Yeah. I'll count the hours." He'd meant it to sound like a joke, but it had come out far too sad, even to his own ears. 

He turned around and walked out before he made an bigger fool out of himself.

\---  
END

**Author's Note:**

> Want to learn more about me and my writing? Visit my page at <http://www.jamiemeadowswrites.com/>


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